The ExPat Returneth

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A Day in the Life of Cherry Tucker

From A Day in the Life of Cherry Tucker on Dru's Book Musings.

Hey ya’ll, and thank you Miss Dru for having me on your literary blog. Which is a little strange, considering I’m an artist and all, but hey, book people like art, too, right? 

If any of you readers are in the market, I’m a portraitist. I live in Halo, Georgia, but don’t let the small, Southern town fool you. I’m classically trained. Even went to school at SCAD, Savannah College of Art and Design. Could have probably moved on to the big city lights of Atlanta and had a studio or something, but I choose to move back home. My family -- minus the ones that are dead or run away -- still lives there and somebody’s got to keep an eye on them. But selling art in a small town is as formidable as selling freezers to eskimos. Halo likes to buy their art from the guy hawking velvet paintings in front of the Piggly Wiggly. I do get some commissions. I did a nice portrait of Snug the Coonhound for Terrell. You might have seen that. I’ll paint most anything if it keeps me from working the night shift at the Waffle House. So if any of y’all are interested let me know.

Actually, I just heard through the prolific Halo grapevine that the Bransons (Not just a Branson. The Bransons. Like in JB, Central Georgia’s King of Ford Dealerships and catfish restaurants) wants a portrait of their son, Dustin. Actually it’s Miss Wanda, JB’s wife, who wants the portrait of her stepson. Which would make sense except Dustin’s dead. Murdered actually. No surprise to us locals who have know that thug-wannabe was destined for the county jail or an early grave since preschool. But a coffin portrait does make an odd choice for a memorial. Gives me the heebie-jeebies, but a commission is a commission, and it’s not like I’ll have to ask Dustin to sit still. Considering he’s dead and all.

However, word is that JB offered the commission to his niece, Shawna Branson. Yeah, that ---, well, you know the type. An Amazonian, flame-haired, femme fatale who steals boyfriends, cupcakes, and reputations. That girl can’t paint her own nails, let alone a portrait. She just wants to prove she’s better than me. So I’m going to paint the best dang portrait of a dead guy I’ve ever done just to show the Bransons what qualifies as quality art. Of course, it’s the only portrait of a dead guy I’ve ever painted, but who’s counting? 

And another little problem that popped up is dead Dustin’s stepbrother, Luke Harper, who just waltzed back into Halo after taking off for the military. You probably haven’t seen that tall, dark drink of water for seven or eight years. At least I haven’t, not since we broke up. Yeah, he’s hot enough to steam shrimp and acts the southern gentleman, but don’t let that business fool you. The man’s an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Particularly about his reasons for asking around about his murdered stepbrother. The man’s better at skulduggery than the Pentagon.

But what I’m dying to find out is what that foreigner, Mr. Max Avtaikin, is doing in Halo. Rumor has it -- and in Halo, rumor is as close to fact as you’re gonna get -- that he’s got something to do with the proliferation of gambling going on in town. And by gambling I mostly mean poker. Some may say I hold a grudge against the poker population because it ruined my near-miss marriage with my other ex, Todd McIntosh, but they’d be wrong. Todd’s poker addiction saved us from making the mistake of our lives, i.e. getting hitched in Vegas. I just wish I could convince Todd of that fact.

So what to do first today? Convince the Bransons to give me the commission to paint their murdered son? Dodge two ex-boyfriends in one small town? Head to my Grandpa’s farm where I’d have to run from a goat in order to get to my sister’s homemade fried chicken? Hunt down an illegal poker ring? Or stay home an embellish some clothing with my Bedazzler?

Small towns have got more going on than you’d think.

PORTRAIT OF A DEAD GUY released this week! Available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle; Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook; and on Kobo for other e-reading devices.


  1. Fried chicken takes priority over two exes and a dead guy, who's not going any where.